We better do something fast or we’re all heading for a nightmare existence of puerile, primary-coloured, thumb-sucking, purgatory.
Treating adults like kids can be funny – especially when they’re behaving like seven year-olds on a sugar-binge (see House of Commons, Westminster). But the joke wears thin when you realise it’s rapidly becoming the norm whenever a marketer (them) tries to communicate with a potential purchaser (us).
PATRONISING SMILEY VOICE: We asked people to put a price on their hearing. One reply said ‘One hundred trillion pounds because I love music and languages.
The scourge is spreading through every part of the media, but just now I’m going to focus on the world of the radio commercial. Why? Because radio ad producers are among the worst offenders and their low production costs make their sins all the more inexcusable.
SING-SONG VOICE: [Embarrassingly basic intro about uncertain winter weather and the consequent need to buy a new gas boiler.]
PENGUIN: (lovably) Squawk!
SING-SONG VOICE: (chuckle) I thought penguins didn’t get cold Wilbur!
PENGUIN: (lovably) Squawk!
Reproducing the text alone can’t convey the full horror. The infantilism is further heightened by the delivery. Think children’s TV presenters on a cocktail of helium and assorted stimulants and you’re getting close.
And it’s not just businesses that treat us like overgrown toddlers – public service organisations are equally culpable. Take the NHS antibiotics campaign that, on commercial radio, is currently being fronted by a jaunty song.
CHORUS: Antibiotics we’re wonderful pills but don’t ever think we’ll cure all of your ills. [Several more verses follow in similar style.]
So why do they (clients and their ad agencies) do it?
One possible reason is because they believe it works. Some researcher has proved that childishly simplistic ads make your brand, product or service more memorable. They’re probably right – in the same way that having your teeth drilled without anaesthetic is more memorable (see Marathon Man).
And then there’s the (expletive redacted) repetition. This is one of the top characteristics of infantilism. Go to any primary school and witness the teacher, Miss X, reinforce the learning points by repeating them in differing ways. Fine – they’re kids, repetition helps.
Now replace the kids with adults and get Miss X to rerun an identical lesson in exactly the same tone of voice. You’re sitting in the front row (next to Smelly Frankie). Anything seem a little wrong to you? Welcome to Radio Infantile.
Back to the researchers who I’m sure can provide persuasive evidence that repeating a message endlessly, even if it’s as excruciating as finger nails rasping down a chalkboard, will elicit high levels of ‘listener recall’ – the marketer’s delight.
But recall isn’t a victory if it comes with a poisonous cloud of emotional resentment. On the whole, victims don’t grow to love their torturers.
While we’re talking repeats, I’ve got another custard pie I’d like to fling. The production cost of most radio commercials is relatively low, making it possible to produce far more variants within a campaign. And yet we’re subjected to long runs of identical ads.
If you happen to keep the radio on for an hour or more, as many people do while they’re working, driving or at home doing other useful things, you’re exposed to a large number of ad breaks. If each of those breaks are filled with identical ads (as they so often are), the most mild-mannered listener will begin to seethe.
Another possible reason for the viral spread of infantilism is that advertisers think they’re being ironic. Hey, we know we might seem to be insulting your intelligence but you know we’re only kidding right? Of course you do. We’re just having a little fun with you – ha ha!
Sorry, that doesn’t wash either. Sure, irony has a strong British tradition but to pull it off successfully while trying to sell something takes actual skill (see The Meerkats from Meerkovo). The radio ads in my crosshairs sound like they’ve been hashed together in a lift between floors one and two.
Now I accept that all this could be ‘just me’ and who the heck, aside from obsessive copywriters, listens to radio ads that critically anyway? Aren’t they just advertising flotsam that most people mentally switch off from while waiting for their programme to resume?
And why get so uptight about infantilisation in an age of skateboarding cats and ritual unboxing? Don’t we all need some light relief in a harsh world?
No, and No. Radio advertisers and their agencies are in a privileged position. We let them into our homes and give them access to our ears. That’s pretty personal. Whatever they’re trying to sell us, we deserve to be treated with respect and, at the very least, that means treating us like adults.